HeartfuleEdge

been so tired lately. Couldnt sleep well and having serious back pain and body aching. Feeling so unproductive recently. My body slow down. Not sure how people cope for it. Definitely got people can do it, and I can do it as well. 

In the second phase now, gotta go through the protocol and decide what parameter to do. Feeling like phD already, but yea, ultimately I wanna turn it into my phD project. But I have not got a good supervisor. Whenever I have any obstacle, and I feel like to run away from that, ever since that incident, I told myself die die gotta face it. When you face it, and it will not be your obstacle anymore. I just gotta read extra more like the first phase, and make up my mind on the parameter to use as well as identify the right item to buy. Then get quotation, compare pricing and make an order. It sounds easy than said. The hardest part is to make sure the right parameter and items to purchase. Else once wrong, everything goes down. Money is not easy to just spend, need a justification if I got the wrong item. I dont want to waste the money as research funding nowadays is very very limited. 

窗外阴天了 人是无聊了 我的心开始想你了

It has been raining and cloudy day for a week, good and bad. Today woke up with a super cloudy day and the sky is dark (even at this hour now), it started to rain after a while. Guess today feel like keeping warm and with simple breakfast - rolled oat. First time to sit in living with 27C air con and still feel the cold weather. Normally raining day make things all become slower, luckily my mood is still cool. Still working on my projects to get things done. Nothing more, just wanna write a bit. 

Super tired today but still working on my freelance as medical writer. Whenever comes to my passion, even I'm tired working, still I feel the satisfaction.
Many things keep me wondering these days (I knew that I always think a lot LOL), lotsa aspects, couldnt list down all of them.  

他说 "你们就是希望我死了最好". 好巧, 他也这么想 "我死了大家比较开心, 反正多我一个不多 少一个不少" 

人总是要等事情发生后 才急着要补救 每个人也有可能是这一个category.

It has been raining and cloudy for the past few weeks, for all year long sunny season, these few weeks are like a bonus to run away from the high UV index. This weather make me think even more than what I usually did. Another cross road, another dilemma, another improtant decision to make for another stage of life.

Been telling people around that I wanna dedicate myself in medical for the human mankind at least before I die. Standing in front of the 2 paths: current career with high paid (of course came with extreme hard work) and back to life of a scientist continue chasing my dream. After months of dilemma since September, I think i sort of made my decision to go after my dream with half of my current paid. Honestly not too low as expected but can't live a comfortable life like now, give and take, thats what I told myself. Before that was struggling to hit target and told myself a little bit more, the year end is coming soon. Finally here comes December, I eventually got lazier *LOL*. I had been asking myself, is that really what you want? Is it okay to really go after dream all the way? Am I silly? 

难过的心情有谁知道 开心不开心也要吞进肚子里 :( That day was freezing cold. My feet were in pain and I was too tired, not to mention my nose bleed and I was freaked out. Yet I have to keep walking on feet to get back to dorm without any help from anyone. And then I learned there is no one be there to help you even you are in tremendous pain & desperately need help. Do not rely on anyone, even your shadow will leave you in the dark. You just have to suck it up and keep going on!!
  
其实今天真的超难过 😭 你就像个笨蛋一样 一次又一次的伤害自己 够了 该停止了 不要再沉沦下去了 以前没有的时候 也不是过的好好的 答应自己别再让自己受伤害 人生还很美好的 

I had nothing left to lose. It's my world. It's my life. It's just me I and myself.

I told myself these since the first day I started my lone ranger journey. Story behind is just to tell myself to hold up and be strong. Since then kept telling myself that they dont know you and you dont know them, just go ahead and ask and talk to them, you had got nothing to lose anymore. 

im so tired... lethargic   

 

我累了 真的累了  尽管全世界都误会了我 没想到就连你都不了解我 活着真的好累

我还很清楚知道我是我 那个我从来没变过 唯一没有办法的是因为负担所逼 只好赶快找份工作可以repay back all the loans and debt

It's been really really mess up week, a tough week - continuously 3 days met very very fussy clients, one of them is even a friend of mine.

Thats the craziest thing that I had ever done in my working life, I drove all the way to Ipoh, just to thought to share with that couple, I take her as my family, thats why i did more than what i will usually do for a client. I would have pass her case to my colleague to follow up, I'm not looking at the profit that I'm gonna gain as it doesn't really make a lot of differences, is just the simple heart truely wanna help a family. Sometimes you gave people all your effort and your best, doesn't mean that people will appreciate your sincerity. I love what I'm doing today, I'm using my expertise to create awareness and to educate public. Yes, everyone wanna earn money, but at least I'm doing something right. I always have my motto, I always remind myself - never lost myself, never become the person you hate the most. I gotta be very very motivated. The same week, nightmares continued from one night to another night, kept repeated the same dream again and again. I'm haunted by this nightmare. I thought I had let go. Deep down my heart, i know i wasn't that tough, i always challenged myself, i always pushed myself beyond my limit, but i know, i'm not good in study, not good in science, not good in independent, not good in so much of things. People around see me being very outstanding, very sociable. I wasn't until I have got no choice but to change. I'm tired for being so strong. People might laugh at me, why do you work freaking hard but in fact you should have got a better life with a partner. Why would you choose to suffer yourself? Yes, you might think of me that way, I hate being alone, I wish to pamper all the time, I wish someone is there always to help, When I'm really weak, I wish someone can tell me "is okay, you still have got me here, to be always there when you need me the most". I told myself i shouldn't been trapped into these anymore, I gotta reboot. No matter how many times I tell myself, I tried so hard to cheer myself, still I can't hold up. I feel like I'm in pieces, poor pathetic pieces.